How to become a Power Ranger
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Step 4: You have to spin around enthusiastically if you get hit.

Someone threw a paper ball at you during class? Jump the fuck out of your seat spin through the air and land on the floor and clutching your back. When you’re a Power Ranger you don’t simply fall down, you have to fall down with flair! It takes a lot of practice and concentration to get it just right, but one of the most important aspects of becoming a Power Ranger is your reaction to being assaulted. Over the ages there have been many rumors to why this is so important. Some of those include; making the opponent feel a little bit better about themselves, you got attacked while practicing your pirouettes during a battle, or you were just being an overcompensating ass.

The true answer however is an ancient martial arts secret. You are actually deflecting the force of the blow, and spinning is natures way of deflecting stuff. Tornados deflect white trash, Tasmanian Devils deflect walls and doors, Driedles deflect fun, and spinning deflects attacks. You have to learn to deflect the blow with your enthusiastic spins.

Exceptions: Dying.

Even if you get hit right in the chest with a laser beam you can’t just fall on the floor and bleed. This is not the Power Rangers way.

Step 5: If the bad guys punch you hard enough, you lose your clothing.

One of the staples in recent Power Rangers history is the ability to get punched so god-damned hard that you lose your Power Rangers costume. That’s right, those fuckers hit you so damned hard that your enthusiastic spinning couldn’t do anything, you just got punched right out of your clothing.

This is certainly something unique to Power Rangers, and in order to become one of them, you need a lot of practice. Luckily you can practice at home!

First you have to get ready to do a back flip. When you enter your crouch stance and bend your knees, grab the neck of your t-shirt and loosen your belt. As you straighten your knees for that backward flip, pull up on your shirt and down on your pants. While midair make sure to pull your shirt hard over your head and to kick off your pants. When you land make sure to grab your back spastically and try not to land face down. Congratulations! You just practiced getting punched out of your clothing, be sure to do this trick during your next round of birthday punches, your friends will be delighted and awed!

Exceptions: Getting punched out of your moustache.

To date there have been no mustachioed Power Rangers.

Step 6: Suspend belief

On your way back home you get attacked by a bunch of physically unimpressive men in leotards. A typical person would probably just laugh and make some snide remark about West Side Story before beating them shitless, but not you! The first thing you’d do after kicking their asses is to go back to your group of friends and tell them something funny is going on. Heaven forbid you go to the police or campus security, they wouldn’t find their bodies anyway since they disappeared into space!

Almost immediately after your multi-ethnic group of friends calms you down, they will also get attacked by the same group of morons in leotards proving your point. That’ll show them! The person who was initially attacked usually has something the bad guys want, maybe it’s some kind of retarded book passed down from your grandfather or a trinket passed down from your mother after she passed away. Whatever it is, it is super powerful and the key to world domination!

Shortly after your second attack, be prepared to be swept into some mystical world with giant floating heads and irritating little robots. Without consulting your family, the police, or anyone else who might actually want to know about the worldwide threat, you guys decide (thanks to a floating head) to save the world by yourselves. That’s right, your group has just made the decision within 10 minutes that, only you can save the world from crazy dudes in leotards.

Exceptions: No one ever says “Fuck it, screw you and your giant floating head”

It’s a giant fucking floating head, what is there NOT to believe?

So there you have it, all the steps to becoming a Power Ranger. Whether you are well on your way to becoming a Power Ranger or you still need to practice a little here and there you can always rely on this guide to help you on your way to becoming the savior of the galaxy. No one will be better equipped for the situation than you, and if you don’t forget to wear your red t-shirt that day, you might even become the Red Ranger!

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