The Japanese Café

What image would materialize if I were to mention visiting a Japanese Café? If you’re conjuring images of quant French-style bistros amongst the busy streets of Tokyo, with windows lined with a sumptuous display of freshly baked pastries, you’re taking the easy way out. If you imagined being served tea by weird girls in maid costumes or weird guys in butler costumes, you’ve come to the right place. The newest trend amongst the creepiest of Japanese Culture, the Otaku, has invaded the land of tea and biscuits, and it might never be the same again.

While stories of Otaku Café’s in Akihabara, the male dork-mecca of the world, aren’t hard to come by, the newest trend catering to the girls just might not be what you expected to hear. Enter Butlers Café of Ikebukuro, the girl dork-mecca of the world, where you can be served tea by a string of dreamy Japanese guys in Butler costumes. Bruce Wayne might feel right at home.

Emiko Sakamaki, the proprietor of the establishment, wanted to create a world for women like her, a female crazy about comic books, animation, video games, and maybe some hot guy-on-guy action. On opening day, it seemed like she wasn’t the only one with a hard-on for this weird fetish, the café opened it’s doors to hundreds of customers a day and has become so popular it now requires advance reservation in order to land a spot in the lucrative joint.

When you arrive at the Swallowtail coffee house in Tokyo, a man in that familiar black tailcoat greets you home. The butler then leads you to your table with an ambience meant to resemble that of a British country home, albeit a cramped one. He’ll hand you the menu and if asked politely will offer the specials of the day, and to the dismay of many of the patrons, does not include hanging tea cups by the handles off his pecker.

Many women cringe at the thought of being considered the lowest class of Japanese being in Japan, the Otaku, and many young girls may have to bite their tongues and admit it when they take a visit to the café. But when will this madness stop? What will pop up when the concept of having a maid café or a butler café wears off? We here at Nozomi Online think we have a few ideas.

Let’s go.

Plumber Café
What’s better than having some plumber with his ass-crack showing serving you some food? With tables shaped as sinks combined with the joys of being able to sit on a toilet seat with working plumbing you can get the entire experience! Randomly during your light snack he can come over and loudly announce something about there being negative pressure in your pipes as he fiddles with the sink and soaking you with sprays from the faucet as he struggles in vain to contain the source of the problem!

Cable Guy Café
You come in and sit, you will be served somewhere between 12noon and 5pm.

Ninja Café
Forget the Ninja Restaurant in New York, only true Japanese can enjoy true Ninja experiences while dining. You will be lead to your table with a sack over your head and violently pushed into your booth seat. Then you will be served whatever your Ninja waiter feels like serving, and it will be served on dishes shapes like Ninja Stars. Your drinks will come in sealed thermos and thrown at you when you least expect it. Expect to find yourself sans cash and possibly pants in the back alley of the joint at some point during your stay, establishing that your meal with them… is over.

Pervert Cafe
All women who wear skirts 3 inches higher than the knee are invited to dine for free. The catch? Your table, seats, and floor are completely transparent. The level downstairs will be what the guys will be paying for. Enjoy!