Snack: Japan - The Series
Part 3

Jack Bauer personally endorses this Snack: Japan article, so sit down and shut up because ONE of the following Snacks will kill you. One of these snacks is the Jack Bauer equivalent of a snack. In the words of Jack Bauer "When I'm finished with you, you're gonna wish that you felt this good again. "

In the third of an on-going series dedicated to unveiling the mysteries of the Japanese snack world we find that they aren’t so much mysteries as they are perplexities, if that’s even a word. Oftentimes when you check out foreign snacks, you take a gander at all the flavor offerings and you just wonder to yourself “How in the world did they come up with that flavor?” Well, we won’t be able to provide you with a decent answer, but we will provide you with the most unbiased opinion on how such a concoction just might taste. Afterall, when it comes to snack foods, it’s not what makes up the snack but how it tastes.

Without further delay, let’s get on with the tasting.

Takenokono Sato Cheesecake
Little hats for Midgets

Flavor: 6/10
Interaction: 3/5
Honesty/Integrity: 4/5
Aesthetics: 4/5
Total Taste: 17/25

The last time we checked out the Takenokono Sato brand name it was for the interesting flavor combo of a Maple and Macadamia chocolate spike. This time around we encountered a Cheesecake chocolate spike, and we just wish our taste buds could be a little more forgiving. Although the initial white-chocolatey-ish flavor seems pleasant, you will find yourself almost instantly assaulted by a fierce lemony attack.

That sounds like fun until you get some of that in your eye gentlemen!

I don’t know what kind of retarded cheesecakes they have over there, but I like the creamy non-lemony kind thank you very much. How much you enjoy the flavor will be based entirely on your ability to handle lemons. You wang-wiggling gutter trash!

Crazy Fish
Fish of Doom

Flavor: 1/10
Interaction: 0/5
Honesty/Integrity: 5/5
Aesthetics: 0/5
Total Taste: 6/25

The last time we encountered snacks from the deep beyond, we had an epic battle with miniature crabs that tore apart our mouths and tongues as the crabs led a post-mortem attack on our senses both physically and mentally. We decided to follow up, after having our tongues and teeth repaired, with something even the makers of the product decided were crazy. It’s Crazy Fucking Fish. Don’t you dare think to yourself that this could taste any worse than it’s predecessor in fact in many ways it was even worse. You see, the crabs just assaulted me, I’d say at most they would be charged with aggravated assault.

The Crazy Fish tried to fucking KILL ME.

No I’m not kidding. I’m not going to waste your time with a fake story of how the fish ripped out of the package with knives in hand ready to stab away at my face and heart. They didn’t shoot laser beams out of their eyes, they didn’t have guns, they didn’t even cut the inside of my lip with their jagged fins. No you see, this product consisting of Crazy Fish and Peanuts gave me an allergic reaction. That’s right, barely one bite into the stupid head of the stupid fish and my entire mouth began to itch. I didn’t even swallow the stupid thing I just spat it out like your girlfriend on your birthday and demanded buckets of water to rinse out the remnants of, what really amounts to as, fishy death particles.

I’m glad I didn’t try to swallow it since my windpipe might have closed shut. Let me tell you, I just ate Fish n’ Chips today and I love eating peanuts, so I certainly do not have a traditional allergy to either of these products alone. But combined and escaped from a mental institution these products could very well have killed me. I think I also had a mild heart attack. Forget the fucking flavor, don’t even try it. It’ll kill you.

Super Heart Chiple
Garlic Packing Peanuts

Flavor: 6/10
Interaction: 4/5
Honesty/Integrity: 4/5
Aesthetics: 4/5
Total Taste: 18/25

Does anyone know what a Chiple is?

I sure don’t.

According to the Spanish-English dictionary it is an old Mexican slang which means “To be pampered, spoiled, or loved” and somehow I doubt that the Japanese are as enamoured with Mexicans as us in the U.S. of A. might be. In any case, it don’t mean a thing, who really cares. What it really comes down to is the way it tastes, and it is utterly divine! It’s a light and airy crisp with a hint of garlic and love! Maybe, just maybe, you will feel more loved after consuming these heart shaped pieces of joy.

Choco-Taro
Flake Master T

Flavor: 5/10
Interaction: 4/5
Honesty/Integrity: 4/5
Aesthetics: 2/5
Total Taste: 15/25

There is a nut on the wrapper but Taro is a plant not a nut. There is a nut on the wrapper but there is no nut in the thing that I am aware of. I guess it doesn’t matter too much since this thing tastes “okay.” It’s like an airy and light version of a Kit Kat bar. It’s difficult to say much more because my synopsis of the flavor is pretty dead on. Let’s move on then. Thanks.

CalorieMate
Over-hyped Biscuit

Flavor: 7/10
Interaction: 3/5
Honesty/Integrity: 3/5
Aesthetics: 3/5
Total Taste: 16/25

Oh shit!

It’s that thing from Metal Gear Solid 3!

It exists! It really exists!

Don’t get too excited buddy! While CalorieMate has been hocked by not only the one man army in Solid Snake (or would that be Big Boss?) it’s also been promoted by the one man army in Jack Bauer of the fictional CTU on Televisions hit 24. Of course you wouldn’t have seen his commercials unless you were in Japan, but they are pretty damn cool.

About the product though, I’m not entirely sure if it’s meant to be a dietary supplement or just a snack but it’s not bad at all. Think of it as a hearty biscuit. It will definitely go down as one of the more heavy Japanese snacks I’ve eaten. While it won’t fill you, it may be able to temporarily displace your snack cravings, which could be the point, but I won’t ever really be sure.

It’s nice to try though, it doesn’t really stand out flavor wise since it has a subtle sweetness and dryness to the snack that makes it go well with a drink.

Well that wraps up this portion of Snack: Japan, hope you’ll enjoy the snacks we’ve previewed positively so far. Be sure to check out the ones we hate too, maybe if you like it you can write in and give us the virtual finger for having bad taste.