The Top Ten Japanese Things We Hope to Never See but Probably Will
Part 2 of 3
In the chance you are a thin and attractive person who gets plenty of dates, you wouldn’t really benefit from our number seven. But if you are thin and attractive yet still reading this article, there’s a chance you just have a really bad personality, or maybe body odor. I don’t know.
But for the fatties out there.
#7 GETS! EXERCISE VIDEO SERIES
That’s right! Dandy Sakano, the wonderboy of 2004 has to milk whats left of a drained pot with his newest line of exercise videos! The only thing this horrifying television personality did was get on stage in painfully bright suits, and yell his terrible catchphrase “GETS!” randomly on stage. Occasionally he’d have a song with it.
An example?
Dandy might decide to reword Latin pop icon Ricky Martin’s famous “Livin la Vida Loca” as: “Upside inside GETS! Livin la Vida Loca…”
Yeah.
That’s all he did, and that’s all he will be doing on the video.
You too can learn to swivel with the speed and grace of Dandy Sakano. Point with both hands, not just one! Develop the muscular strength unheard of in todays society. Wear stupider bowties than Tucker Carlson, yes I went there.
I think it’s about that time to begin talking about artificially created groups like Morning Musume. Sure, you contest, all groups are in same way shape or form completely artificial. But in no where else but Japan has it hit such heights. In Morning Musume you have a group of teenaged girls all culled from various auditions held annually and brought together by super producer and song writer Tsunku.
Normally this wouldn’t be anything new or different, in America we’ve had the Backstreet Boys and N*Sync, but those groups were formed by people with no actual musical background. In other words, they are solely brought together by one man and all the jobs of songwriting, lyrics, arrangement and backups are outsourced to professionals.
This is definitely not the case with Morning Musume. Tsunku not only writes a large portion of their songs, but also arranges, and does the backup vocals for a lot of the tracks.
Impressive? Yes. Talented? Yes. Appreciated? Sorta.. okay not really.
As it were the next item, really isn’t an item at all, even though it is manufactured. What could it possibly be?
Why it’s number six.
#6 THE TSUNKREW (Codename: MANLY MUSUME)
That’s right, if you liked Morning Musume (and who doesn’t?!) you’re practically obliged to love THE TSUNKREW. Since Tsunku basically provides all the backup vocals and writes all the songs, he might as well be every single member of Morning Musume. Craziest shit, in fact, on his album he even sings the songs he initially wrote for the all-girl group. Talk about being in love with yourself!
In a magnificent marriage of CGI and old pictures and videos of Morning Musume, the artificial group Tsunkrew deals away the need to actually deal with any of the girls. That means the cost of transportation, feeding, and paying the girls is out the window. All the profits for Tsunku and only Tsunku! Tsunku will be prominently featured in all the music videos, in various outfits and shot at different angles to make sure you get confused as to what is actually occurring. His face will be plastered on all old photographs and reissued as brand new idol goods.
In fact, this idea was so good, that at the time of partial completion of this article, Tsunku actually just formed a new boy band.
Mysterious!
Recently, one of the biggest crazes in Japan has been that of the Densha Otoko, or Train Man. The story is as follows as stolen, but edited, from wikipedia.
Adapted from the best selling book "Train Man," this is the true life story of a geeky young man's romance with a beautiful young lady. Rumor has it that the book was based on messages posted on 2ch a huge internet discussion board in Japan. A huge amount of geeky internet users followed the Train Man's romance, giving him advice on how to impress the girl and take her out on dates. Train Man belongs in the "Akiba-kei" category: a term that describes nerdy looking men who hang out at Akihabara (the famous electronics area in Tokyo) all day, who are obsessed with video games and computers. The girl, nicknamed Hermes, is a stunning beauty with average tastes who knows nothing of the internet world.
It is only a matter of time before…
#5 DENSHA OTOKO; THE SELF HELP DATE GUIDE
… is released.
As the title of the series suggests, “High Hopes for Internet Fanboys; Densha Otoko: A Learning Series” contains everything the faithful young (or old) otaku wants to hear to further his completely disgusting turn into geekdom.
First off, let’s just put down something right now. If you don’t go out or have friends there is no chance you will ever land a girl, let alone a Hermes. Not only does it help to be outgoing and sociable, it also helps if you understand the basic functionality of public gatherings. Bullshit if you talk to a lot of people, and have the “feeling” they consider you a friend, unless you actually hang out with them or can go over to their home basically unannounced you really aren’t a friend.
Another problem with the Densha equation, is the typical apathetic nature of online folk. A large portion of them, that I like to call “all of them,” would rather not do anything than to help you. There are a few, here and there, who would help you, but they would rather not go far out of their way. It’s really funny because you’d think with all their blog whining about how no one is a true friend to them, or how no one cares for them, that they would realize that they act the exact same way to others. I suppose you get what you give.
This book will truly deliver on all its promises. You will have high hopes that your nerdy ways will still attract a mate, but that’s all it is, hopes. Sorry if I ruined the book for you, it didn’t exist, so I guess its okay.
Part 1: The Top Ten List: Numbers 10-8
Part 2: The Top Ten List: Numbers 7-5
Part 3: The Top Ten List: Numbers 4-1
Part 4: The Top Ten List: Fanservice Downloads just for you!
