The Top Ten Japanese Things We Hope to Never See but Probably Will
Part 3 of 3
However there is one way for a horribly disfigured person like yourself to score points with the chicks.
Become famous.
In fact, if you’re a member of the immensely popular group Orange Range, it doesn’t matter what you look like, you might even end up being the most popular member of the group, Yamato.
Which brings us to our number four.
#4 ORANGE RANGE: YAMATO MASKS
That’s right, the least aesthetically pleasing member of the group is also the most beloved by the girls in Japan. Not only do they think he’s hot stuff, his unconfident nature about his own looks is part of his charm! Imagine that! Now you can hide your ugly mug, with another ugly mug with this limited line of Yamato Masks!
If you really wanna score some points, buy two, get one of your nerdy partners in crime and wear them both AND BEGIN MAKING OUT! It’s crazy! The Japanese girls will go gaga over the Yamato x Yamato action, and will no doubt fall in love with you, if you didn’t already fall in love with Yamato.
In fact, ever since putting on the mask, I have gotten approximately 10* dates in the last month. How does he do it? No one knows. I can’t even begin to fathom it.
* Rounded to the nearest 10.
If you are a girl though, certainly you don’t want to be Yamato. Instead you can go for the other extremely popular Japanese pop icon, Gorie!
#3 GORIE’S PURI PURI MAKE UP KIT!
Originally titled Ayumi Hamasaki’s Make Up Kit, the recent explosion in interest for the cross dresser has made the Japanese Company flip flop and repackage all the contents as Gorie Goods!
Just like Dandy Sakano, no one really knows why this guy is so popular, but let the corporate rape commence! This make up kit includes everything your little girl would want in a make up kit; industrial strength foundation with airbrush to apply it, ridiculously large hair decorations, brawny-style blush, yellowed teeth kit, and dainty petal pink lipstick!
Time to win that beauty pageant!
Our next little number is more fanservice than anything.
#2 GACKT ACTION FIGURE
Every girl in Japan loves the sexually baffled Gackt. Sure tons of girls say he isn’t homosexual, and tons of boys wanna bang him, but what it all really comes down to is that there hasn’t been a bare chested naked action figure of him yet.
His claim to fame is being one of the most well-rounded artists in Japan; being able to play several different instruments (I already thought of the skin flute joke, but it was too trite, so no), talented song writer, vocalist, and a self proclaimed five hundred year old Norwegian Vampire, this guy can suck with the best of them.
He can speak Korean, English, Mandarin, as well as his native tongue Japanese. The level of his linguistic abilities are up to question, but what isn’t up to question is his undying affection for fellow rock star HYDE. In his autobiography Gackt wrote that if HYDE were a woman, he'd fall in love with him. HYDE once awoke to see Gackt's face very close to his, and Gackt was even going to kiss him while asleep, yet Gackt never denied or agreed to actually wanting to kiss him, responding to this comment with a laugh and somewhat embarassed look.
I’M THUPER, THANKTH FOR ATHKING!
Feel free to take of all of Gackt’s clothing and lick his naked body from head to toe. Also revel in the knowledge that there is an exclusive, mega-rare IRON GACKT action figure randomly packed in cases of Gackt Figures! Nozomi Online is not above serving the masses in fact, as a blatant form of fanservice, we’ve created an exclusive NAKEY GACKT WALLPAPER available for download. Check at the last page of this articles for exclusive downloadable material!
Finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.
The number one top ten Japanese thing we hope to never see but probably will.
#1 HIDE AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION TOWEL SET
Not to be confused with HYDE, this J-Rocker is dead as a doornail. As legend has it, Hide was into Autoerotic Asphyxiation, the act of cutting off your airflow to heighten your sexual arousal, try it out! He was found with a towel around his neck tied to the bathroom doorknob after apparently successfully committing suicide; these reports were confirmed by his band mates in X Japan who surmise he was just trying to soothe his sore muscles with a hot towel wrapped snugly around his neck when he fell and managed to hang himself.
We know the real story.
The guy was jacking off while suffocating himself, and now you can too!
With the likeness of Hide silk-screened onto the towel you too can go out in style, with your dick in your hand and a towel wrapped around your neck.
Buy one today!
Part 1: The Top Ten List: Numbers 10-8
Part 2: The Top Ten List: Numbers 7-5
Part 3: The Top Ten List: Numbers 4-1
Part 4: The Top Ten List: Fanservice Downloads just for you!
