Operation J-pop Girlfriend

Well you've finally come to terms with it, and as much as you've tried not to admit it, anime and manga has brainwashed you into thinking that Japanese girls are "kawaii".

The fact that you probably know what "kawaii" means, and no longer mistake it as an island in Hawaii, should have already been a big sign. Let's face it no one ever said you were the brightest in the bunch.

So now you're looking around and the non-Japanese girls just aren't cutting it. You start to look at Americanized Japanese girls but you realize something just wasn't right. Maybe it's because they can speak English, maybe it's because you find their personality to be less desirable than their foreign counterparts. Then again maybe you're just pissed that it's unacceptable to fondle them on trains and buses. In any case, you want the real thing! You want a J-pop girl!

You decide to do your homework, which of course means breaking out the J-Dramas. You pick out Densha Otoko because if he were to be the American equivalent of anybody, it's probably you. So after packing in some false hopes this series delivers, you suck it in and begin working on your karaoke routine of Maki Goto's Watarasebashi. It's a little rusty since you've become infatuated with Mika Nakashima and her hippy style videos, but you figure a few well placed Maki head shakes and that'll be good enough to get them believing your Maki's dance coordinator. I mean, you are American, so they just might assume you dance well already right? Right...

So after all this prep work, you purchase your flight, hop on the first plane to Tokyo, and before you know it, you're getting hurried into a club in Roppongi by a big African guy who's hustling you into getting a lap dance from an Eastern European chick. So you ask yourself, "WTF?!?! Where the hell did I go wrong?" The answer to that would probably be somewhere in your early childhood. But that's a whole other story. Lets assume we're just talking about your current dilemma and try to answer why you're sitting with a big Ukrainian woman on your lap who's trying to sucker you into buying her shots of vodka. Why can't you be somewhere else buying some random J-pop school girl some mochi right now?

Well the reason is because you didn't read your Operation J-pop Girlfriend guide. You thought because you checked out a few Anime and played some Dance Dance Revolution that you would arrive in Japan to a school bus of girls to greet their new husband. Sorry, you thought wrong. That's like doing push-ups before fighting Bob Sapp thinking, "Yeah, that'll be fine. I can take him." It's just not going to happen. Actually, you'll get your ass beat. I don't want you to fail, and I certainly don't want you getting beat up by Bob Sapp, there are a few things you must remember though. You have to treat this like a fight, you're going into battle for the hearts of the ladies. However, all you're carrying is a big fat gaijin stamp on your forehead. It does have its uses, but alone, it won't get you very far. This is war! You have to be prepared.

Here are things you need to know to secure your J-pop girlfriend.

Japanese girls like the concept of being protected. Whether physical, emotional, or financial, they like knowing no matter what, you won't let anything happen to them. So for this, you should always carry a bat. I prefer a Louisville slugger, but any generic bat will do. But this will come in handy if someone tries to rape your J-pop girl, you can beat the crap out of them. Or if your J-pop girl is having an emotional break down, you can hit her in the back of the head knocking her out, thus, preventing anymore emotional stress. Or if you simply lack the financial wealth to take care of your J-pop girl, you can use your bat to rob people. Japanese people don't carry guns so you don't have to worry about getting shot.

You need to be fashionably sound. Or basically you have to be extremely trendy. Supposedly, the Japanese are ahead of Americans when it comes to fashion. If you think you dress nice compared to most of your friends, you probably will look out of place in Japan. But according to research, this is easily remedied. Basically you pick out clothes that would never match, and put them on. Then you layer on another set of clothes that don't match, and put that on as well. If you need help with this, reference 80's fashion. Or if you do not have this amount of clothing, I suggest cutting holes in the genital area and around the nipples. Trust me, you'll be viewed as a pioneer in fashion.

Learn enough Japanese to get you by. Although they teach English in the school system there, it doesn't mean they're proficient at it. I mean, realistically, how much do you remember from sitting in the back of that Spanish class in high school? "Donde esta el banyo?" Not much. And if that's all you know in Japanese, unless you plan on raping a J-pop girl in the bathroom, you won't be going on any dates any time soon. But no worries! You don't have to learn the whole language. I have picked out key phrases which I feel will be useful for your objective.

Aishite-mo ii?
May I love you?

Kirei-na karada-dane.
You have a beautiful body.

Piru nonderu?
Are you on the Pill?

Sugoku yokatta.
That was wonderful.

Zannen-dakedo bokutachi awanakattan-dayo.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Jama shinai-deyo!
Stop bothering me!

Mo suki janai-kara, denwa bango kaeru.
I really don't love you anymore, so I'm going to change my phone number.

And there you are! A mean J-pop picking up machine, you're ready to go out in the land of the rising sun and find yourself a school girl whose age will probably get you arrested. But hey, to each his own, and at least you know you can get yourself a J-pop girlfriend. And if for some reason you don't succeed... It's probably your fault. You messed up. Enjoy the lonely plane ride back home.

I'm taking no responsibility for the actions of the readers. This guide is meant as an entertainment piece and should in no way be followed through. Those who do not see that and are arrested, beat, slapped, spanked, smack it up, flip it, rub it down... (sorry, old BBD song) probably deserve it.