Samurais vs. Ninjas: Who to hire?

Well good job. You've become tired of working at McDonald's and decided to become a Japanese warlord.

But no one told you that you had go as far as to hang little Hiroshi for beating you at a game of shogi. I mean he was 5 for god-sakes!

So I suppose it's understandable that the townspeople want to kill you, and yet you can't defend yourself. Those years of masturbating to images of naughty Robotech Minmei's on the internet have made you the fastest one handed typist ever.

But that's just your left forearm.

The rest of your body is like that of a god... Buddha. So basically you're in deep shit.

It's time to hire some protection. Luckily, you can afford bodyguards because you made a lot of money from your black market JET program, which involved selling teachers who spoke Ebonics instead of English.

(Editors note: Get it? Black Market? Blacks? Don't hang me.. hang Vincent)

Black Market Teacher: "Wha da dilly yo?"
Japanese Students: "Herrro Snoop-san!"
Black Market Teacher: "Do ya be understanding dis negroid-american languag foo'?"
Japanese Students: "????"
Black Market Teacher: "What 'chew trippin' foo'!"

With you being a Japanese warlord there's only two kinds of people who can protect you, samurais and ninjas. But who should you hire? Well here's a break down that might just help you decide between the two!

Samurai are loyal.

Lets face it, you're a shady bastard. If you were to invite me into your grandmother's house for milk and cookies the chances of me showing up would be slim to none. You'd probably kill me and rape your grandma just because she was there and you were horny. But despite your evil deeds, your samurais would still protect you from cops trying to arrest you and such. (Picture ninjaparty.jpg)

Ninja can do your dirty work.

There are things you want done. Things that perhaps society may frown upon. But still you desire them. Who you gonna call? Not the Ghostbusters, they cost too much. But your ninjas. You're about to fail a class? Call on your ninjas to steal a test! Neighbor refusing to give you her panties? Call on your ninjas to sneak into her room and take them!

Samurai are respectable.

I don't know if you've ever eaten out with ninjas, but those guys get me kicked out of every restaurant I go to. They steal silverware, poison other people's food, and leave traps instead of tips. They're so disrespectful. Not like samurais. They're great to bring out and usually make good wing-men at the clubs and bars.

Ninja come with shurikens.

Do I really need to say why this is useful? Shurikens can be used in everyday life like when you can't find the remote to the TV. Just have your ninja throw a shuriken at the "up" and "down" buttons on the TV. The damn cat is stuck in a tree again. Have your ninja throw a shuriken at the cat knocking it down and killing it, hence preventing it from ever getting stuck in a tree again. I even think it's been scientifically proven that having a ninja throw shurikens raises your chances of finding a mate by 48%.

Results may vary...

But with all these pluses to both sides, Samurai and Ninja do have their drawbacks.

Samurai come with Tom Cruise.

Don't act like you don't know why he's a samurai! You were there opening night. I saw you... I mean someone told me that you were there. But yeah, after his success in The Last Samurai, Maverick felt the need... the need for 'speedo'...

The best ninjas are already busy.

Making video games. Ninja Gaiden and Shinobi could be very useful in your service. Too bad they're busy making millions of dollars whoring out their talents to Playstation and Nintendo. You might end up with a ninja like Beverly Hills Ninja or American Ninja.... 3. The guy in the first two would probably turn you down.

So as you can see it can really go either way. Samurai or ninjas, it depends on what you need. What'll happen most likely, is both will probably kill you anyway for drinking their sake and selling their swords to the Benihana restaurant chain.