A kidnappers guide to Maki Goto

You’ve finally realized your dream of abducting Maki Goto, but now what do you do? There are so many possibilities, and you, unlike the thousands of crazed fans who make this attempt everyday, have actually succeeded. Congratulations, you are on your way to realizing your full Maki Goto kidnapping potential.

Now, why in the world would somebody want to kidnap Maki Goto? It would be impossible to try to list them all, so let’s go through some of the top reasons to hold Maki Goto against her will;

Reason Number #204: You want to save her from the wrath (perceived or genuine) from the might of Mecha Godzilla, destructor of worlds.

Reason Number #62: You want to wear a purple “Shadow Lady” cosplay outfit while singing Uwasa no Sexy Guy to her.

Reason Number #61: You want her to wear your over-sized purple “Shadow Lady” cosplay outfit while you sing Uwasa no Sexy Guy to her in the buff.

Reason Number #4: You want to have rough non-consensual sex with Maki Goto.

Reason Number #96: You want to shave her legs.

Reason Number #34: You want her to shave your legs.

Reason Number #57: You want to braid her pubic hairs.

I digress, the reasons you have taken Maki Goto unwillingly should not be limited to a mere list. There are thousands of precious moments you can share while eluding the authorities. In this section, we dig a little deeper into what a kidnapped Maki Goto might expect from you.

Before we move on, one thing many kidnappers fail to realize is that Maki Goto is not an ordinary Japanese girl. Your previous kidnapping victims may have been satisfied by watching television, listening to the radio, or trying to break free from the ropes you’ve bound them in. Maki Goto however, is a much more precious and demands your best effort, and you owe it to yourself not to disappoint her.

During Maki Goto’s imprisonment, she expects you to entertain her while you await the delivery of this month’s issue of Gamepro magazine. Below is a list of suggestions on how to keep her amused;

Place a phone just out of reach from Maki Goto’s bound position.

Maki Goto can be expected to have loads of fun trying desperately to make an emergency call to the authorities in a phone you’ve conveniently left far out of her reach. While you should not underestimate Maki Goto, typically a hostage can not maneuver there way to a phone while in a bound position, the depictions typically found in movies are pure fiction. However, as stated before, a typical hostage is not a Maki Goto! Err on the side of safety, and leave the phone unplugged, the cries of futility if she realizes there is no dial tone just means she’s enjoying it!

Teach Maki Goto English.

Remember those hilarious English Lesson shorts, where Ayaka Kimura of Coconuts Musume fame and native Hawaiin attempts to teach members of Morning Musume simple English phrases? Relive the excitement as you teach her useful phrases such as “Do not look for me, I am never coming back” or “I would love to eat cold ramen while I watch you play Halo.” Maki Goto is not a stuck-up celebrity (remember that English lesson? someone told her not to be stucka?) and would love to learn how to speak English from a real American!

Play UNO!

Card Games are a great way to pass the time while ensuring the fun times Maki Goto has come to expect from you. Maki Goto is not someone to protest if you were to play her cards for her. If a two-person game of Uno isn’t your thing, make sure to bring your life-sized and unclothed mannequins with Maki Goto’s head pasted onto them to join the in on the fun times. Maki Goto will appreciate your forethought and appreciate your willingness to share time with others as well, and although she may not declare it openly, will seriously considering becoming your best friend.

Tea Ceremony

The Japanese are huge lovers of tea, and showing Maki Goto how you prepare your tea ceremony is an imperative part of gaining her friendship. Make sure to have plenty of Green Tea and Oolong Tea on hand. Remember to offer Maki Goto a choice between the two, she is the guest after all. If she says “Oolong Tea”, overturn the table and shriek “Maki Goto would have said Oolong Cha! Maki Goto would have NEVER said Oolong Tea! Baka! Anata wa BAKA!” then run from the room crying.

Exercise

Maki Goto loves to exercise, why else would Pucchimobics be on her agenda every morning while she was still a free citizen of Japan? While she may be unable to get any physical exercise done while she is under your care, be sure to get some excersize yourself and keep yourself limber in the case of her eventual attempt at escape. Every morning get up and be sure to remind her how fit you are by doing jumping jacks in front of her while wearing nothing but an unfastened kimono. Cultural tolerance is the key, and wearing a kimono shows you are open to new ideas.

Many questions do arise from having to deal with a Maki Goto. Here are the most common questions people have when they have obtained their very own Maki Goto.

Question: What should I do if I’ve already kidnapped a Mari Yaguchi?

Answer: Set the Mari Yaguchi free; don’t be greedy, other people may want a chance to nab her. Plus the odds of keeping two victims secured is a difficult task for an amateur such as yourself. The likely-hood that Mari Yaguchi, utilizing her unlimited energy, can vibrate at a frequency outside of the space continuum to freedom is a risk that can not be taken now.

Question: Should I make ransom demands regardless of whether or not I plan on returning Maki Goto?

Answer: Of course you should! We suggest making ransom demands during any situation, even when you have not kidnapped anyone. Free stuff is always a plus, and the first things you should ask for is two unicycles. When you receive your two unicycles, duct-tape them together, unicycles not only make you look like a dick when you ride them, but are also the work of the devil!

Question: How can I tell if Maki Goto likes me?

Answer: While head butting Maki Goto be sure to listen for moans. If she moans, there is a good chance these are moans of sexual arousal, and she’s ready for you!

We hope this guide has been helpful for you, and your newfound Maki Goto. Remember to bathe and feed her regularly, we do not want the same thing that happened to Kei Yasuda to happen to Maki Goto.