Guide to Being a Good Anime Villain

Let me be honest, I'm an anime super villain. Haven't heard of me? Of course not, I'm staying out of the spotlight. I'm studying the mistakes of previous villains before I make my move. Anime villains seem to make a lot of really stupid mistakes. In the chance there are any budding villains out there, I'm going to share with you some of my secrets to success. God knows at least one of us has to defeat those annoying heroes.

First let's discuss the Dragonball Z phenomenon of powering up. Now, if I were an idiot, I would go rushing off at 15% power to fight my most hated rival, the so-called "hero." We'd fight for a bit and I'd be on the verge of victory when suddenly – the insufferable fool powers up. It turns out he was also at 15% power and now he's at some level I wasn't initially prepared to face. I would stand there dumbfounded until he attacks me again shaking me out of my dream state. When he thinks he has me right where he wants me, breathingly heavily near a pile of rubble and down on one knee, I would reluctantly power up as well. This sets off a chain reaction of increasingly strong power ups until one of us gives in.

But I am not an idiot.

I'm going to attack the insolent fool at 100% of my power, all my limbs glowing with energy, wearing some kind of cyborg exo-skeleton, laser rifles in each hand, a knife clenched in between my teeth, and holding a missle launcher between the flexed muscles of my breasts. Then I'm going to wail on him until I win. But what if, by some miracle he survives my initial beating and starts to power up? Here's a novel idea, I won't let him finish! While he's screaming, hair turning wacky colors, and flailing his arms, I'm going to run up to him kick him in the nuts and finish the job.

It's foolproof.

As an extra bonus; if your epic fights against the little bastard that opposes you are nothing more than glorified boxing matches… bring a knife. Really. If you can punch him in the face, there's no reason you can't knife him in the face instead. You are a villain after all, it's not like it's wrong.

I'm also not going to let my henchmen fight the hero one at a time. "Well Henchman No. 1 might do ok, oh oh god that's gross. No. 2 you're up. Oh, crap… No. 3?" That's just stupid. If I have 30 decent henchmen I'm not going to watch them die one at a time, I'm going to send all 30 after the hero. At least one of them has to injure him or mess up his hair or something.

Second, I will avoid elaborate plots at all costs, the chances that it will backfire is too great. Let's examine Fushigi Yuugi for example. At one point, Nakago, the villain, kidnaps the heroine, Miaka. Alone with her in his tent, he tricks her into believing he has raped her. Now you see, only a virgin can summon the God, Suzaku. If Miaka thinks she was raped, then she won't try to summon it. So… why not just rape her? If she's only fake-raped she can still summon the god and defeat you and she's going to be pissed. In fact, just kill her outright. It's so much easier for you. You are a villain after all, it's not like you're going to feel bad in the end.

Following in this vein, don't show mercy. If the hero puts up a valiant fight I'm not going to make a speech about how he has done well, but isn't quite strong enough to beat me... blah blah blah, come back when you're more powerful! That's just an invitation for the hero to come back stronger and with a grudge. If he's put up a valiant fight, I'm going to tell him and then kill him. Or maybe just kill him without saying anything, it depends how my day has gone.

Next, I'm going to get some good artists/photoshop experts and take pictures of the intolerable enemies I've faced. Then I'm going to have the artists/computer nerds do some renditions of the heroes in normal clothing. That way I'll have an idea of what they look like out of costume if I happen to see them around. If I'm out walking and see a group of school girls who look exactly like those damn Sailor Scouts that always thwart my plans, except without the little tiara's, I'm not going to think "Gee, what a coincidence." I'm going to kill them. If it ended up being some innocent girls, who cares?

I'm a villain, there have to be casualties on my way to world domination. If the ones I slaughtered ended up being my enemies after all, then I've just made my life easier. Yay me!

Speaking of costumes, mine isn't going to be elaborate, I don't want to be recognized easily. Unlike some villains, I'm not going to wear some low cut open shirt to show off how sexy I am, I'm going to wear something that makes it hard to even tell what sex I am. I'm going to cover my face and disguise my voice too.

When I go out, I don't want to have to worry about the heroes recognizing me. I'll wear a wig of a different style and color than my hair. Maybe some colored contacts too. Nobody will ever know what I look like, which will make my evil plans that much easier to pull off. Plus, when I see my poorly costumed nemesis wandering in civilian clothes on the street, it'll be easier to sneak up on them and kill them.

Those are just some of the ways to be a successful anime villain. Now go out with your knowledge and defeat some heroes!