The Truth Behind Religion
Everyone can agree that Christianity is one of the world’s most popular religions, however very few people can actually answer how it got so popular and why so many view it as the religion of choice. The religion, which got it’s start back in the early to mid 0’s, is basically based on the fundamental teachings of Jesus Christ who insisted on dying for our sins. Why in God’s name would anyone want to do that?
Who knows?
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the secrets behind the religion nearly one-third of the world believes in, here I present to you…
The Truth Behind Religion: Christianity
What comes to mind when you think of the average Christian? Chances are you imagine a white family dressed in their Sunday-best going to church in the morning, or perhaps if you live in the inner-city, you think of a black family dressed in loudly colored clothing and singing gospel while sweating profusely in a badly ventilated church. Whatever image you invoke, the man in the white linens will always invade our minds at some point in time, the man himself Jesus Christ.
Jesus had humble beginnings, born to a young couple Mary and Joseph H. Christ, it was thought that Joseph had erectile dysfunction disorder so when the couple had learned Mary was pregnant it was thought to have been a miracle. Joseph, taking full responsibility to being his baby’s daddy moved to marry the young woman and ran off to Jerusalem together to start a new life. Roughly an hour into the trip, it was believed that both Mary and Joseph became weary from running and carjacked a camel to ride the rest of the way to Jerusalem.
When the young lovers finally arrived at Jerusalem almost 8 months later, eyewitness accounts indicate that bright lights emanated from the manger, some reports say Joseph induced childbirth in his wife through “Hard raving” and “Swinging candlesticks on strings.” Several hours into the rave Jesus Christ was born with many celebrities showing up to the gala event. Notables include; A Trio of kings bearing gifts, a little drummer boy, and Bea Arthur famous for her role in the Golden Girls.
Sexual rumors exploded the day after the rave/childbirth ceremony with Mary declining to comment on any sexual relationships with the three Kings, Joseph declining any comments on his relations with the little drummer boy, and Bea Arthur declining to comment on her relationship to the goat in the manger.
Jesus’ most mysterious years, the period from his birth to adolescence is filled with scandal, little was recorded of this time in his life, where it was assumed he was just sitting on the sand stoned while watching re-runs of Curb your Enthusiasm in his imagination. Jesus, now 20 years old, was extremely popular amongst friends and cohorts. He had a large circle of friends who adored him and wore similar trendy white table cloths as he did. It was also believed that Jesus was quite the playa, cavorting with the infamous celebrities of his time such as Moses, Eden, and Tara Reid. Jesus had build a reputation of being a diva, constantly demanding everybody’s undivided attention. He was so demanding that he forced his friends to write everything he said or did into a book that later would be known as the Bible.
Jesus was also a prankster, the class clown. He often went into churches during his field trips in High School and told them he was the son of God and that all should praise him. It was completely blasphemous for someone to lie in church so most of the priests believed him. His pranks didn't always turn out as planned, and when the Jews and the Roman Empire got wind of this they ordered for his death.
Jesus had also gotten into drugs and booze in his college years at Harvard and had his share of sexual orgies with his friends both female and male including a prostitute. It was widely known that Jesus was a crackhead and would sell clippings of his pubic hair, a staple ingredient in beer at the time, for his next hit.
On one fateful day his drug dealer was informed of Jesus’ death order by the Roman Empire. Jesus knew his time on this Earth was limited and he set out to right his wrongs; he told his friends coveting thy neighbor’s wife wasn't the thing to do, killing other dudes was heinous, and stealing was kinda wrong. He went with his friend John to visit some of the churches that believe him to be the son of God, he told them priests to celebrate his death. Being that John went to a community college and was barely literate, this is where many people believed it was written that Priests should be celibate instead of "Priests should celebrate"
The Roman Empire finally caught up to Jesus and decided to nail him to the cross, a popular punishment for criminals. To make matters worse, they forced him to walk up a hill holding the cross he was going to be nailed to. He insisted he was going to nail himself to the cross, as an act of rebellion. They all laughed at him and hit him with sticks and gave him a crown of thorns for saying something so stupid.
When Jesus got to the top, he kept his promise and nailed himself to the cross. After 3 days all the bodies were taken down, and because of the shoddy way Jesus nailed himself to the cross he was alive but barely breathing. The Jews didn't notice this and threw him inside a cave to get eaten by one of the many cave-dwelling and deadly Jerusalem bears. They sealed the cave with a big rock so the bear couldn't get out and eat everyone.
Luckily for Jesus, the bear had just eaten supper and didn't feel like having Jesus for dinner so he rolled away the big rock and went outside for a walk. Jesus relieved, crawled outside and crawled to his home, vowing for revenge against his captors. Jesus, now hysterical from bloodloss seriously insisted he was the son of God after surviving this ordeal and demanded to be called the son of God. He hid in some bushes where it was assumed he died and went to heaven.
That is why to this day we celebrate his birth and death with fabulous gifts and prizes to be shared with family and friends.
